September 18, 2009

Death Be Not Proud of 'Final Destination'

Look, I'm as much for Death as the next guy. After all, it's gonna happen to, sometime.

But I'm a little perplexed by Death's career choices. After headlining four Final Destination flicks, he's made it clear he's only in it for the money.

Which brings me to an interesting question: Do I have to see all installments of the franchise to know that it's a lousy, cheap-o set of movies?

Or can I just go by instinct on this one?

By the pricking of my thumbs/Something stupid this way comes.

Oddly enough, I have tried watching at least two of these wretched movies on TV: numeros deux et trois in the series. Needless to say, I was appalled by the ludicrous situations, horrible acting and dreadful writing. But the most offensive thing was the franchise's irritating insistence on personifying Death, who, in his apparent annoyance over being cheated by a bunch of earnest young actors, has devised countless gory ways of getting back at them.

Death, what are you, slumming or something? Don't you have anything better to do?

The fact is, I've embarked on this rant because I'm chagrined that the fourth installment in this painfully obvious series, The Final Destination (hopefully), has been advertised ad nauseam over the airwaves of late in an effort to get undiscerning moviegoers to the theaters. Frankly, this critic would rather have his brains squeezed out by a cheese press than pay 12 smackeroos for the vile jelly that is TFD.

Of course, that may be in the plans for me anyway. Maybe I can get a rain check.


  1. Well to be honest Death's struggles as of late haven't been entirely his fault. He had a great start with The Seventh Seal, was in high demand, but then Romero popularized the zombie genre, effectively putting Death out of work. Hell, he had to go and become Brad Pitt for a film (Meet Joe Black)... After that his agent left him, he was forced into a contract by horror buffs, and has basically just been working for food recently.

    Even the Final Destination people aren't giving him screen time, they're just using him for consulting purposes. I hope he gets to make his comeback, but as it stands right now he's not in good with the film industry.... Even his TV Shows get canceled.

  2. Hey, Death is experiencing the recession as are we all. Why not make a couple of bucks on the "Final Destination" series? How often can Death depend on "Katrina" or a tsunami? Give Death some breaks. Maybe "The producers of" will experience "Death" soon...

  3. "By the pricking of my thumbs/Something stupid this way comes"

    Rofl XD

    That's all I needed to read. Great consensus.

  4. - Thanks for the comments, all! Yes, Death is in the midst of a recession, methinks...but he'll come out of it soon. I only hope it's not via "Friday the 13th Part 9,873" or something. :-)

    - BTW, Univarn: "The Seventh Seal" is one of my all-time favorite films. And Death (read: actor Bengt Ekerot) put in a great performance there. Surely some of his best work. :-)

    - Simon